i was about to write a poem about my inner demons

i was about to write a poem about my inner demons and how my demons never rest, which led me to read about paul tillich's theology of the devil as a manifestation of existential anxiety and alienation from god, and i read about irvin yalom and how existential psychotherapists are so inspired by tillich's work, and i felt so engaged and excited and came so alive reading about all of this, i wanted to read all the books by these academics, i wished i could just read and read and read and never stop, because it is so incredibly exciting with theologies that lead to life, that ask interesting questions and drive us toward a more just, exciting, and colorful world

and i really want to continue exploring this, i really want to participate in this project, i really want to contribute with my own theological project, thoughts about the divine and the mystical and the beautiful and the incredible, how this weaves into existence and makes life magical, how we participate in something greater than ourselves, how life is in us and flows through us and binds us together into cosmic realities, universal mysteries that go deeper and further than we can imagine, a world that is open in all directions, we participate in a magical world with open gates to deeper dimensions, the question is just whether we know they are there, and whether we dare to open them, because there are worlds of mysticism and adventure waiting for us in this life and in eternal life, whatever that means,

and i realize that in many ways my demons come to me as a manifestation of existential anxiety and alienation from god,
they come to me every time i feel alone,
my deep existential loneliness opens for their terror,
but now i experience there is another way, another direction,
i can fight with my demons in a way that is life-giving,
i can fight together with others who fight,
i can look for language and symbolism that helps me understand my struggle and my suffering and that can point in the direction of liberation,
this is how i want to continue fighting,
by following life where it takes me,
by going where life is for me,

the fight doesn’t have to be unbearable,

the fight doesn’t have to be hopeless, there is meaning in the fight, there is excitement in the fight, there is community in the fight, there is beauty in the fight, i can fight and i can live and the fight can give me a new desire to live,
or in tillich's words;
the fight can give me “the courage to be”